This one is for me…
I’ve fallen in love many, many times this trip. The amount of good, genuine hearted people down here makes it a rather easy. Being one of the only males surrounded by a host a beautiful, strong women helps too…
Not to segregate, because I love them all, especially you, you big sauce pot, but in one case, the resonance of such a feeling was overwhelming in a way I’ve never experienced before. If I had to attach something as fickle as a word to condense and describe such a thing, it would have to be love.
Not a romantic love, not a relationship or “she has to complete me/be mine” sort of thing, but a deep and sincere adoration. The actual definition of the word, which I’ve always held a sliver of but have never actually FELT in all of its brilliance.
An appreciation for all that she is; her knowledge, her laugh, that infectious smirk when she’s about to do something mischievous, her ability to “be” and to live, to fully indulge in the moment. Mixed with a host of other reasons, the list is as numerous as it is endless, so I won’t even attempt to put down, but this was the fist time I can ever honestly say, that every time I saw this woman she would be more radiant than the day before. I always thought it was just wordplay, some sappy pickup line used over and over, but she was literally more and more beautiful as the days progressed.
Months ago, stuck on a mountain, on top of the world, she would ask me a question and much to my embarrassment, my answer seemed to send her reeling, or so my paranoia convinced me. I wasn’t liberated enough from my social barriers to elaborate on my sincere meaning, but in that moment, in that awkward moment, I felt completely ostracized and decided to harden myself to those around me if this was the reaction I was going to get. One of my first ventures with the group, and one of the earliest reasons why I wanted to flee this place almost as soon as I got here.
Lost on the mountain…
…Throughout the trip, even though my answer to her question didn’t resonate well at the time, I pushed towards it, I made progress and I feel like a lot of it was attributed to being in her presence. I experienced so much down here, and she was there for most of it. I think she involuntarily helped me find what I was looking for, and I will love her forever because of it.
I’ve referenced it many times, but who would think that from such an awkward moment, such a strong feeling of affection would arise. I would have never imagined, that, that same girl was also the one who would get excited by my fans and dance alongside me and my flames in a moment of fun reminiscent of childhood. I didn’t know I could still be happy like that….
I’ve mentally written this entry at least 7 times now, each version is different and none fully grasp what I’m trying to say. I wasn’t even going to make this public, but I told myself this blog would be my first completely honest, completely unedited retelling of experiences…
…So I’ll sum it up and say I have never experienced such a tremendous and lasting framework of emotionally empowered helixes for myself and toward another.
If I made it through the double helix of destruction (below entry), this feeling, this enduring feeling, would best be equated to one of pure love. She did so much for me, and I doubt she even has any idea. And that’s fine, because she doesn’t have to. I’m the one who was touched, the one who is ever grateful for the star that exploded and decided to create such a fascinating creature with its dust.
It was a real testament of focus not to lose it when we parted ways. It was rough, but I held it together…at least until I got into the taxi. I didn’t want a solemn goodbye; a smile and a hug would do just fine. Smile because it happened, ya know? But the thought of this being, maybe the last time I ever see her, would find its way to the front of my thoughts again and again.
I did find comfort though, something that quelled those feelings that were ravenously tugging at me. A simple fact, and I had to smile once I found it.
I know I’ll see her again. Someday soon because…
…She has a gypsy soul, and she’ll come back again and again.
Experience a genuine love